Dear M,

Hi.

It's been a while.

In fact, it's been slightly more than two years since we've last spoken. This makes it all the more difficult in formulating what I have to say henceforth. I'm not sure what are your exact sentiments of me, of the friendship we once had, but to me, you were my very first best friend.

I do not know what triggered this sudden urge for me to just lay my feelings out here, exposed in cyberspace. Let's just say I feel strangely compelled to do so.

I'm also not sure of the reason why we stopped becoming friends. Was it our last argument over how our views on men differ greatly from each other? Or had we both grown up into different people and we just could not accept each other's friendship anymore?

Every now and then, I think of you. This does not happen often, but when it does, I think of what we both went through since we were 10. If we were still on speaking terms with each other, this would be our 11th year as friends. We have both come a long way. Sometimes, I feel the need to reach out to you, communicate with you, and find out what had happened. But the thought that you might reject my sincere hopes to reconcile, it scares me. I am afraid of hearing the words coming from you, expressing your wish to remain as strangers. We both know that you are not the kind of person who would linger in the past.

We have had our fair share of quarrels, but we both survived that. Why couldn't we have survived the last? We have had worse, we cried, we shouted, we even immaturely spewed out the words that we are not friends anymore. In the end, we both held on. So why couldn't we make up this time, and remain best friends?

You have been a great source of influence during my teenage years. You made me share your love for baking, for writing, for learning music (you on the violin while I'll play the piano), we both even shared our obsession over Charmed and many more anime characters. We were so close. We discovered things together as our friendship developed into something greater. We would have sleepovers, and talk non-stop till the wee hours of the morning. We would watch movies together, and rave about how good looking our favourite actors are. We were avid fans of W.I.T.C.H. magazines. We both created our very own Book of Shadows, and filled the book in with our own version of demons and vanquishing spells, potion recipes, and whatnot. We even had a "sisters contract", a childish notion, nonetheless it was something to put our bond into literal form with our signatures adorning the bottom of the paper. All these memories, I still hold precious to me.

You are also the reason why I have become someone who tries as much as I can to hold on to a friendship. Every relationship formed is important to me. I do not want to make the same mistake I did with you. You were my first, and greatest loss. And I resent that. I don't want to lose friends. I didn't want to lose you. I guess 'what fate brings together, life divides.'

What is my purpose of writing all this? I'm not sure too. I guess it would only make things easier for me if I truly understand how you feel. Sometimes I drop by your Facebook to see what have you been up to. I'm happy in a way that you have found a friend to share your interests with now, but at the same time I feel sad, because I know that I've been replaced. Had we not argued in May 2010, that friend would still be me, commenting on your posts and more.

If you do happen to stumble upon my blog and read this, at least I have made it clear to you how I feel about you, and about us. If we could just look beyond what happened, I'm always ready... to be your friend again.

Love,
Amanda